Thursday, February 23, 2012

Emotions and Thanksgiving

Today I went to the bank to get copies of some canceled checks and the guy at the desk invited me to sit down. So awkward, but I am getting better at saying things like, "actually... my back is bothering me so I should probably just stand.". As I left he said, "I hope your back feels better!"

The sun was shining. For a moment I was a normal girl with a normal strained back and soon it was going to be better. I would be going out to eat with friends and sitting on the beach for hours. I smiled and said, "thanks," and breezed out the door.

I'm so emotional. At any given moment I'm about 3 negative thoughts away from tears. Today I woke up mourning the fact that there is pain when I get up, pain when I drive, and pain when I open doors that really shouldn't be that heavy. And hope seems to be lost. So I cried I on my way home from the bank.

I desperately want to be able to sit without pain. Imagine trying to have a social life when you can't sit down to a meal, or coffee, or a movie, or a craft night... Even here at home I haven't discovered a way to sit so a friend could come over and we could have a comfortable conversation.

Maybe I will be able to find a recliner that works for me.

I literally can't face life, so I have to take each day as it comes.

All that being said, yes, I don't understand what has happened to me, but God is faithful and His promises are true.

On Sunday I was able to stand through the whole service, even though it was painful. On Tuesday I was praying about how I can't go back to my main job because I can't open the average heavy door. And then during physical therapy I figured it out! Still painful but not so dangerous. Last night at almost 2 am I figured out how to scrub out the kitchen sink without bending! It is now a bright, smooth, shiny white.

Praise and thanks to God who makes all things beautiful in His time.

Saturday, February 11, 2012


I’m trying to play Words With Friends and I’m instant messaging a guy friend from a couple years back.  But the things I had hoped to be able to do, the life I was dreaming of when I knew him looks like it will never be.  Its like my Words game.  I don’t have any vowels now, so I have nothing to say.

I sat today for about 3 minutes, and when I got up, my back ached.  I walked around the house and then went for a walk outside.  Up and down the hill, walking out the pain with tears in my eyes and prayers sent up to God.  “What will my life be like?”  “I just want to go out to eat with friends and be able to sit in a Bible study or in church.”  “Lead me, provide a way for me.”

Then the verse, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you,” declares the Lord, “thoughts to prosper you and not to harm you.  To give you a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11).  Over and over I sang the song in my head and walked and walked.

When I got home, I realized that forgetting everything I can’t do, God gave me the ability to take an energetic walk outside.  Something I couldn’t do before.  So forgetting everything I can’t do, I hold onto that tonight.  It was a beautiful gift.  A walk outside, with a bit of sun, on a not too cold day. 

And not every day will be like today.